I can text with my tongue
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
