epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
