3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Drake has all the answers
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
