eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
