Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
