I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
