guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
