I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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