my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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