nut hugger
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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