Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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