You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My dick has a subreddit
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
