if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize