Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
