So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
