so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize