People with herpes should wear stickers.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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