I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
