bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
