Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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