I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
