Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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