Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
