Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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