everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
