So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
