Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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