When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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