jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
