My liver just broke up with me...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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