i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
im having a threesome with these popsicles
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
