I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
