I wish I could teleport
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
