My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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