Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You need a sexual gate keeper
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
