My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
