I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
