Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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