Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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