but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
