Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
