I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
