New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
