I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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