his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
