I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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