Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
