I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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