i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
