"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
