Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
