I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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