My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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