Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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