: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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