im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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