I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize