They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
