I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
