I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
