I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
