I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
