how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
