i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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