I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
