maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
