Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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