Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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