tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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