All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
