Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
