how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
