Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
