i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
