I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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